Let's wait awhile.....

There's something I want to tell you
There's something I think that you should know
It's not that I shouldn't really love you
Let's take it slow

When we get to know each other
And we're both feeling much stronger
Then let's try to talk it over
Let's wait awhile longer

Let's wait awhile before it's too late
Let's wait awhile before we go too far

Remember that special night
When all of the stars where shining bright
We made our first endeavor
To stay together

Remember our very first promise
To love, to share, and be real honest
But on that very first night
It wasn't quite right

Let's wait awhile before it's too late
Let's wait awhile, our love will be there
Let's wait awhile before we go too far

I didn't really know not to let all my feelings show
To save some for later so our love can be greater
You said you would always love me
Remember I said the same thing too
You don't have to be frightened with my love
Because I'll never give up on you
Let's wait awhile, awhile before it's too late
You know you can't rush love

Let's just take our time
With love so good, we shouldn't rush it
We need to slow it down

- Janet Jackson -

The radio's on Mix FM everyday on the bus when I go to work. I heard this yesterday. I've never really enjoyed Janet's music much because I can't hear what she's singing half of the time. Somehow the lyrics of this song makes sense.

It's common sense really. If only I'd have taken heed earlier. Then again, in these situations - common sense isn't always practiced. You don't always think with your head.

She finally responded to my sms. What she said feels like a cut. She knows my weakness, my weak spot. She knew where to hit me where it would hurt most. The funny thing is, I didn't get upset over it. Maybe I've shed my last tear for her. I replied and ended my message saying "I can promise you I'll call you less". I have the right to be angry too - but I didn't want to make things worse than they already were. Being the loyal kind of person that I am, I'll salvage any bit of friendship left if I can. I think based on my experience througout the years, I never leave them, they leave me instead.

The past few days after getting her last sms has been strange. I know this isn't a normal reaction. It can't be explained. At least its comforting to know that I won't be hurting for long.

Anyone with advice or comments, please click on the "#" at the bottom of this post and type away. All comments and advice is welcome. PF was asking about the comments for weeks. It was there all this time. Right under our noses. If I didn't click on the "#" to have a look, I wouldn't have known as well.

That's our problem sometimes, we don't see what is in front of us. Just because we don't see it, it doesn't mean it isn't there.

She feels suffocated....

The truth is finally revealed. It's a good thing that I sms-ed her last night. Otherwise I would be left wondering, worrying of what happened, what might have been.

She wants me as a friend and wants to be my friend (the oldest line in the book it seems). I've been suffocating her. I told her the truth about how I felt and I ended saying I'll give her the space that she wants and she knows where she can get me when she's ready. It feels like a burden has been lifted. Maybe I do feel slightly better. I've already done what I can, the rest is up to time.

Things have gone almost a full circle again. I've walked these paths before - nothing new. But if feels the same everytime. She might just disappear out of my life forever, like how some of the others have. I won't know until the time comes. First you see that silver lining, then hope comes crashing down. I can tell myself its their loss, but I always feel like the real loser.

Now, Brandy's "Have You Ever" keeps playing over and over again in my head.

Thanks to all of you who've been advising me, you know who you are (Jenn especially). Appreciate it. I really do. Thank you.

Do I Need A Reason?

Things haven't worked out the way I expected them to. I was looking forward to meet SW this week. Then she sms-es and tells me she's not free this weekend. Naturally, I reply and just ask "why?". Her reply was "Do I need a reason?". I messaged back saying "No, not really. I was just wondering. But I feel like there's something wrong". There was no reply after that.

About an hour after that, I sent her another message, apologizing for the way I put my words (although come to think of it, there's nothing really wrong with what I wrote). I also told her how I almost crashed my car into the highway divider while driving home from work. I fell asleep while driving and when I opened my eyes, I was about 15 cm from the concrete wall/barrier. It scared the shit out of me. She didn't reply, she didn't call back. Seems like she doesn't give a shit.

I've been asking for advice from friends. They tell me to play hard to get. Not to shower her with so much attention. Maybe I should try listening to them. I'll see if SW does call or sms me if I don't contact her.

Some tell me, I don't have to feel bad. It's her loss. Don't take the blame. It's not my fault.
It's hard to think the way I do when you're feeling shitty about yourself. I guess its natural. They told me to be strong. Bless them too.

Jenn's been a darling. She's been too nice - calling all the way from Perth after I sms-ed her, just to make sure I'm alright. She's got no obligation. She doesn't need to do it. Bless her. Talked to her online. I think it was about 6 hours or so before she went off to bed.

It's time for me to go to bed too.

Nightmares

I've been having nightmares again. Weird dreams - and a few of them in a night. Or day, rather..... Sometimes my dreams seem linked. Interconnected somehow.

Dream # 1

I dreamt about ghosts. Particularly a little kid. A boy. He had some kinda weird obsession with eggs. He was always carrying two with him. I was in some alleyway in the dream when I caught a glimpse of this "boy". He was playing. It seems as though as he had some obsession with Ultraman. He kept putting the eggshells over his eyes as he ran about.

Dream # 2

My parents and I were running away. From the ghosts. I think the boy with the eggs were there. We ran into my car and sped off. We came to narrow road and there was a group of people crossing the road. I regonized those people. They're my colleagues from HSBC, I see some of the girls. They're crossing the road. I look back and I see the ghosts coming after us. I look to my right out the driver's window, I see a motorcycle and he rams into my car - into the driver's door. I feel the car jerk forward, it feels like something rammed into us from behind. The car moves forward. The girls scream. We run over them. We can hear the screams. The sickening sound of crushing bones. I pull the handbrake but its not working. We're still moving forward. I can feel the people we run over under the car. They're screaming in pain.

Dream # 3

I'm someone else. It's a different era. I see decapitated heads on the ground. They're Chinese. They have pig tails. I look around and I hear guys shouting "Sifu! Sifu!". They're screaming, crying. The unmistakable music of "Wong Fei Hung" is playing in the background. Who the hell am I? The people run over the decapitated heads and pick them up. One of them is my "Wong Sifu". What's happened here? Why am I calling him "sifu"? I look around and I see people running towards us. I recognize one of them and I call out to him "Nga Chat So!". Then I wake up.....

Weird dreams. I wonder if they symbolize something?

Oh shit, I don't have anymore work clothes. I need to go do some ironing.

It's like Deja Vu all over again .....

It's like reliving a bad dream again. Everything seems familiar. The conversation, the pain. The whole scenario is playing like an old video-tape. Been there, done that. Still I'm making the same mistakes.

Things don't look good. Having been in this kind of situations before, you'd think it helps. You'd think the experience would numb the pain. Well guess what? It still hurts like hell. It's like getting your heart stabbed, over and over again.

I called SW yesterday. Waited almost the whole week to hear from her. She still hasn't reloaded her phone. Thought I'd be seeing her this weekend. Guess not. She's going to Penang and when I asked if it was with another guy. She laughed and said yes. I told her I was jealous. Then that laugh again and she said "Good-lah, be jealous". "What about me? What am I going to do this weekend?" I asked her. "Go out yourself" came the reply.

I get the feeling she's trying to tease me. As usual. Maybe she's going with her colleagues. I hope she is. Then there's that other voice in my head that tells me that there is the possibility that she's telling the truth, that she might be going with another guy. She's playing mind games. I'm not good at that. Still, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt until I have the balls to confront her. It wouldn't be a "confrontation". What am I still doing here in this situation? Some other guys would've been out of here by now. Why am I still waiting here? I'm subjecting myself to the very torture I'm complaining about. Maybe what they said is true, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I suppose she'll have to wait till next weekend to get her soft toy. The one she wanted to get last weekend. This week's gone by so fast, I guess it won't be long until I see her again. In the meantime, I must join the rest of the guys for a movie this weekend. I heard they're going for "King Arthur". Why not, eh?

It's sort of like Graduation Night tonight. There'll be a "pot luck" lunch. We'll be going live this coming week. We've been practicing for our performance. We've gotten so much better after 2 practices. We're singing "The Beach Boys - Surfin' USA" for our first act and we still haven't figured out what next. We'll be taking calls starting next Monday. Oh yippee kai-yay!~ That will be fun.

Where's the time machine so I can just get this weekend over and done with?

Monday Blues......

Everyone hates Monday no? I'm going to have trouble at work again tonight. I get back to my usual sleeping routine during the weekends and I'm wide awake on Monday mornings. By the time I'm at work, I seem drained. Guess it can't be helped unless I can keep awake at night and sleep in the day. Maybe a short nap later will do me some good.

Went out on Friday morning to get tickets for "Spider-Man 2" and "The Prince and Me" even though my legs were still hurting. Managed to get some for Saturday evening. The things I do ..... At least she was concerned and told me to get more rest. It appears to me that I don't spend enough time with SW.

There are things I want to ask her, to clarify with her. I feel lost, in the dark. I don't know what's going on. Maybe I can't handle the truth. It's like the lyrics of a song, something about being too scared to ask and too proud to lose. Perhaps its best to just wait until the time is right.

She didn't reply my sms and I've been thinking too much, unnecessarily - wondering what happened, what could have been etc. Maybe I should just let things be. If time permits, I'll see her this weekend again. I'll just wait until she calls or SMS-es me. Prediction: To get tickets for "King Arthur".

Oh, the things that I do .....

Again.....

I'm sitting at home, having pain in my thighs. It's happened again. I was immobile for about a day. I started feeling the pain yesterday, it hurt a little whenever I stood up to start walking. It got worse by the time it was time to go home. I couldn't even go up the steps into the bus. Managed to climb up after a few attempts. Managed to get alot of people worried. Bless them, especially Matt who was kind enough to offer assistance.

Wanted to come straight home when dad picked me up, didn't want breakfast. Just wanted to go to sleep. I was already half asleep while working on our presentation that night. As I was walking up the ramp towards the lifts, I somehow tripped over my own feet and fell forwards - landing on my knees before sprawling on the ground. My right knee's pretty banged up now. I had difficulty standing up because of the pain in my thigh muscles. Most of the pain is gone now.

Right now, I'm supposed to be standing in line at 1Utama getting movie tickets for Saturday. Maybe tomorrow morning when I'm feeling better. Hopefully tickets will still be available. Good thing SW's understanding. I guess she's been busy with her work as well. I'm looking forward to seeing her this weekend. It's been about 3 weeks now.

Went shopping on Monday. For the first time in a very long time, I bought something for my wardrobe with orange in it. I bought a pair of Nike Cortez which is white, and a bit of blue as well as orange. I've been debating for a long time to get this shoes, but previously I didn't. This pair isn't really my first choice due to the colour but it so happened that there was a size that fits so I guess that was what prompted me. It's difficult to get shoes in size-12s, maybe I was lucky.

Time to get more rest.....I think I need it.

Independence Day, Happy Holidays!

It's a holiday today, the 4th of July in the USA. A public holiday for us. Back to work tomorrow. That I don't mind, but its the damned quizzes that we'll be having the whole of this week. Didn't do that well for the first one (78%) but good thing I got 90% for the 2nd one. I didn't expect to go through quizzes and exams all over again!

Got back from Fraser's Hill yesterday. We left about 6 pm after a very late lunch. It was raining the whole afternoon and the drive downhill was slow and steady. Had to drop Darshini and Suaran off in Jalan Ipoh and then drove back home.

Tried archery for the first time but I did OK.....after the first 2 arrows. At least I was hitting the target board. Of course practice makes perfect. I ended up with a bruise on my left arm when I got hit by the bowstring when releasing the arrow. Sure there was that protective plastic plate but I guess I didn't have it in the right position. It was like being slapped with a leather belt.

I think it was close to 24 hours before I had any sleep when we were in Fraser's because we left about 6:30 am or so on Saturday morning after work. Then it was off to Setapak where we stopped for breakfast before heading to Selayang to get more things for the trip. Minor accident, lost one of the wheel arch deco when I scraped against a Wira. Scary! Can't believe I didn't see how close I was to the car. Thank god there was no one in the car at the time!

Weather was good, cool - just the way I like it. But I guess the rain spoilt alot of it. Overall it was a good trip, a bunch of fun people to hang out with.

Called SW last night and talked to her for awhile. Haven't spoken to for a while. It seems like a long time. It's a relief to hear her say she misses me, even its only a "little bit" as she puts it. We're probably going to watch "Spiderman 2" this Saturday. I might have to go out later and see if I can get tickets. Maybe I'll do some shopping. I've still got to activate the Citibank credit cards anyway.