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Day: 181(Monday, 17th June 2002)
Status: Week # 3
Days without PS2: 0 day(s)
Days without Cube: 8 day(s)
Listening to: Eric Clapton - Blue Eyes Blue
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"Just because we don't see it, it doesn't mean it isn't there."

I was ironing of some of my clothes. Then I started thinking about some stuff. Some of you might know that I'm pretty emotional for a guy. I can't help it. I was thinking about the chat I had with BL earlier on. Then I starting thinking about my present place, here in life, what I've achieved, lessons learnt. I know, I know, a little philosophical. But bear with me. Father's Day has just gone by. This one is not just dedicated to our fathers, but both our parents. I think they deserve it.

I'll go ahead and admit I have some sort of communication problem with people that involves feelings. Maybe that's the purpose of this journal. I just give input, nothing comes out of it. No comments, no one talks back. I can say anything I want, anytime I want. My parents might not read this, they might not know about it.

I remember when I was young, I was spoilt being the only child at the time. I remember this incident like it was just yesterday. I must have been about 2 or 3 years old. We were staying in Johor at that time. Big house, double storey bungalow, near the beach. I remember once I had a bad dream. I was in kindergarten and all my classmates had watches. They were all showing off their watches to me. It was like I was being bullied. I was the only one who didn't have a watch. I remember waking up crying my eyes out. My parents asked me what happened, did I have a bad dream. I told them I dreamt that I didn't have a watch. And it was true, I didn't have a watch at that time. The next day was probably a weekend. Like most weekends, dad would drive down to Singapore so that we could get some shopping done, be it for groceries or just a weekend outing. That day, I remember getting my very first watch. I was the happiest boy in the world. If memory serves, it was one of those kiddy digital watches with really pastel,light green plastic straps and body.

Even when I was older, I suppose I was still being spoilt. Expensive birthday parties at places like McDonald's or KFC or A&W. The presents that I used to demand. I don't know if any of you think I'm still spoilt. Here are some of the presents I demanded.

- Transformers Optimus Prime action figure. (Cost: RM 89.90)
- StarCom AirMax Bomber (Cost: RM 59.90)
- Voltron Lion Die-cast metal set (Cost: RM 69.90)

And the mother of all toys a kid could have at that age:

- A Red, Nikko Remote control Car (Cost: RM 500.00 or so,I can't remember) *This was a proper remote control car, which uses 8 AA sized batteries plus a rechargeable battery pack and a further 6 AA batteries for the remote. The thing was probably as long as your standard sized keyboard.*

They had to tempt me with material things to get me to do well in exams. It was a good tactic, all the way until when I was in Form 3 or something because my results went downhill from then on.

- 8-Bit Aaronix Home console (Cost: RM 299.00) * This one's from Daya in SS2 when it still existed for a birthday present *
- 16-Bit Sega Megadrive Home console (Cost: RM 500 or more) * This one's for getting 4 A's for the UPSR exams *
- 16-Bit Nintendo Super Famicom Home console (Cost: RM 500 or more) * This one's just for doing well in some end of year exam *

You have to admit they were pretty expensive kid's toys. I wanted them, and I got them all. Although I think the R/C car was a surprise, I can't remember about that one. How spoilt I was.

As I grew older, I realised that dad doesn't spend as much time as he used to. I remember mum taking me to meet dad for lunch when he was at work. We would always have set lunch at this place, just near dad's office. Just the 3 of us. I remember always wanting to butter my own rolls. As time went on, I realised that I don't spend as much time with my dad as before. Of course later on, my sister was born as well.

In my late teens, I went through what everyone probably has. We all had our issues with our parents. Arguments, fights, scolding and nagging. I'll accept that as a fact of life.

Today, I'll admit that I didn't appreciate my dad for what he was. I never acknowledged the positive things that he has done for me and the rest of his children. I always focused on the negative. I always wanted more. I wanted this and that. I guess I still had that spoilt brat in me. I never threw tantrums when I never got what I wanted. I just kept it to myself, thinking how unfair it was.

Something happened one day, it must have been about 2 or 3 years ago. It happened on Father's Day. I talked to my dad, like I never talked to him before. It was the longest conversation I ever had with him in my whole life. EVER. I poured out my heart's contents. I wanted to put the blame on everything else when some things were within my control. I couldn't admit the truth knowing the truth would have been disappointing. It was also part of the pressure I was under, being under constant pressure to always doing my best. I just exploded at that time. I think my dad was shocked to see me acting the way I did. Then he said some words to me, something I've heard for the first time, coming from him. He said: -

"Just because I never told all of you that I love you, doesn't mean that I don't. I have to work hard to provide you with a house to stay in, food to eat, clothes to wear."

It hit me like a tonne of bricks. Here I was, being angry, making excuses for myself. I never saw it from their point of view. I guess some of us won't understand until we're actually in our parents' shoes.

The events that have unfolded the past couple of months make me realise this so much more. More than before. What I realise is how much we take our parents for granted. We think we can depend on them whenever to going gets tough. We always think we have them as a "safety cushion" to fall back on. I know because I was one of these people.

"We try to give you everything you want."

We never really appreciate them for the things they do for us. I was one of them too. My parents got us the best that they could. Somehow I never thought it was enough. Always desired better things. Always wanted better, bigger, more expensive material things.

Now I realise how hard is it to provide for a family. I'm already having trouble providing for myself and still need the help of my parents. I wouldn't have realised this if I never was in this situation. Jie Jie AL said something to me in her email which was something like:

"Going through hardship at a young age makes one stronger"

I think she's right.

Maybe I'm like my dad now. Maybe its something that we feel that should be left unspoken. Maybe it's understood. Maybe it's assumed that it's understood. After all,

"Action speaks louder than words".

So here's something I have to say. Maybe they won't get to read this, maybe someone else will tell them for me. Maybe my sisters will print this out and give it to them to read. Anyway, here's what I have to say:

"For as long as I can remember, I've never said these words, but just because I don't say it or show it in any way, it doesn't mean that I don't love you. I'm sorry if I had ever been a disappointment and never lived up to your expectations. I've tried the best that I could and now I know that you have too."

Also for my friends who are reading this, the same thing applies for all of you. Just because I don't tell you that I care, it doesn't mean that I don't.

Phew...I think this is one of the hardest journal entries I ever had to write. I hope someone will read it, benefit from it, learn from it.

I think I've grown up (somewhat) from this experience that I've gone through. It's about time that I did. Read and learn, maybe you will too.

~ Dedicated to Raymond Eng and Diana Liu, the best parents that a person could have ~

Date: 17th June 2002
Time: 6.15 pm